Wash the Pain
by Ace Bullets
Summary: Sam isn't thrilled that everyone on the team is so keen on the new recruit. Tag for Season Two episode 'Clean Hands'.


**A/N: Spoilers for Season Two episode 'Clean Hands'.**

**Wash the Pain**

It galled Sam Braddock to hear the locker-room banter around him that morning. The atmosphere was no different from how it was during other pre-call preparations, but today's topic was how to best 'welcome' new recruit, Donna Sabine. The same Donna Sabine that was occupying Jules' position on the team; the same Donna Sabine that was presently occupying Jules' locker-room.

Sam stubbornly refused to think of Sabine as Jules' replacement, and had to constantly remind himself that it was a temporary situation in order to have any peace of mind about it.

_Jules is coming back. Ride it out. Jules is coming back... _

_Just because Sabine is here doesn't mean I have to like it, though..._

Sam was just at the point of wondering if anyone even noticed his stony silence and lack of enthusiasm when Ed asked him to contribute to the pot of already ridiculous hazing rituals they were lining up for Sabine.

He tried to sound nonchalant about it, asking if was really necessary to haze her since she wasn't going to be around forever. He honestly didn't give a flying rat's ass that Sabine had blown past everyone else during the recruiting phase, or that she was a ten-year veteran.

Ed dismissed his comment so easily, it only served to irritate Sam further. "We want to make her feel like she's part of the team, right? We don't know when Jules is gonna be back."

_We don't know when Jules is gonna be back._

The words bit into Sam, causing him to retreat further into silence. He'd have thrown something heavy if it had been handy. Then maybe they'd all stop and reflect on what he - _they_ were missing. Maybe they'd all stop being in such awe of do-no-wrong Donna. You'd swear she was the bloody Queen or something for all the attention they were lavishing on her.

_No, I do _not_ want to make her 'feel part of the team'._ _I don't want anything to do with her._

To make matters worse, Sabine actually had the temerity to waltz into _their_ locker room like she owned the place. Some crap about needing Wordy to give her some pointers on proper use of the shield for the escort duty they were about to undertake.

They'd all cracked up after she'd gone, having a laugh at Wordy's expense. To Wordsworth's credit, he'd taken Sabine's unexpected intrusion and the good-natured ribbing in stride. Still, Sam stubbornly refused to partake of the fun and games, remaining quiet and aloof in the background.

He didn't know that Ed Lane, ever-vigilant, had noticed his surly attitude much earlier, but had elected to give the young man a little space to deal with his emotions on his own.

In the aftermath of their escort duty that had gone horribly wrong at the airport, Sam was starting to experience an unexpected shift in his attitude towards Donna. Anyone with half a brain and one eye open could see she was really shaken by having to shoot turncoat Agent Delia Semple. She looked haunted and almost fragile, as if she were barely keeping it together.

Thoughts of his own personal demons involving the friendly-fire death of a comrade surfaced. Sure, the circumstances were vastly different, but it still boiled down to the fact that in both cases - his and Donna's - someone that was supposed to be a colleague had ended up dead.

When Ed quietly asked Donna how her review with the Special Investigations Unit went, Sam heard the bitterness and strain in her voice as she said: "I shot a cop. They're really happy."

Even though she'd be facing no disciplinary action or punishment for Semple's death, Donna's sarcastic response clearly indicated she was punishing herself enough already.

"Our hands are clean, yeah?" she asked no one in particular, but a glance at Wordy seemed to indicate some unspoken exchange between the pair, as if the words held some special significance for them.

None of the other team members could offer any words of comfort, and a heavy silence lingered, each one perhaps weighing in his heart the severity of what had transpired.

Sam watched as Donna, miserable and fighting to hold back tears, finally forced herself up from her seat and left the debrief room without another word. It occurred to him not for the first time that if Jules wasn't still lying in a hospital bed, she might very well have been the one forced to shoot Semple. It bothered him more than he was ready to admit that he'd rather pounce on another grenade than see Jules in the same emotional and psychological predicament that Donna had created for herself.

It was a habit he knew he really needed to rid himself of, but Sam paused by Jules' locker-room on his way out.

_Jules isn't in there, you idiot_, he fumed inwardly. He was about to move on, but stopped when he realised that even through the closed door, he could hear the steady rush of water from the shower inside.

_Long shower_, Sam thought, knowing it could only be Donna still in there.

The sound was muffled, but Sam was pretty sure he heard her anguished cry: "_Oh, God, why?!_"

Suddenly feeling like an intruder, Sam hurried off, feeling slightly ashamed, and not daring to be caught there. He knew for certain it would have pissed him off to know someone had somehow been witness to his own private displays of emotion in the past...

_It's going to take a whole lot more than a long shower to wash that pain away, Donna,_ Sam lamented as he stepped out into the cold night air, s_ome things you can't ever wash away._

_END_


End file.
